Penance and Absolution
by KaLikeAWheel
Summary: Skinner deals with his guilt over losing Mulder in Oregon


Penance and Absolution  
  
TITLE: Penance and Absolution  
  
AUTHOR: Donna Hartnett  
  
EMAIL: IDanaKScullyI@aol.com  
  
RATING: R   
  
SUMMARY: Hmm...I dunno...Skinner/Scully angstfest. The burly one deals   
with his guilt over losing Mulder in Oregon. Character death, and   
even though I expanded on it, CC started it, so it shouldn't count!  
  
KEYWORD: MSR, SSR Angst  
  
ARCHIVE: I'd be thrilled if anyone wanted it. Thrilled and confused,   
but thrilled, nonetheless.  
  
SPOILERS: Requiem, This is Not Happening, and anything else with   
references to Mulder's abduction, just to be on the safe side.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: There is no mention of Scully's pregnancy in this   
piece on purpose. I have issues with that li'l wrinkle in the X-Files   
universe because almost everything Scully did in relation to her   
pregnancy or the baby was out of character, IMHO. Oh...and I suppose   
I should apologize to any Catholics in advance. I have the highest   
respect for the beliefs of others, it just seemed to work.  
  
FEEDBACK: Please...pretty please...I'm beggin' ya! This is the first   
time I've tried anything like this, so lemme know if it works.  
  
DISCLAIMER: 'Tain't mine, but I have a birthday coming up, CC&co....   
::hint hint:: And if you don't want to buy me a present, the least   
you could do is not sue me for writing something I'm not even   
getting paid for...umkay?  
  
  
Penance and Absolution  
  
He was doing heavy penance. Not that pansy-ass, "Bless me father for   
I have sinned," crap her church subscribed to, but that, "wake up   
every day, go to work, see the pain you've caused in those amazing   
blue eyes, go home at night and wallow in guilt until you fall into   
demon haunted nightmares, just to wake up the next day and do it all   
over again," kind of penance. The kind of penance you could never be   
absolved of, no matter how many times she said, "Sir, please don't   
blame yourself," or "you did everything you could, Sir," or worst of   
all, "It wasn't your fault, Sir."  
  
Sir? No. Sir was a title of respect; respect he didn't deserve; respect   
that sliced into his soul, adding another heaping helping of guilt onto   
his already bent broad shoulders.  
  
Her partner, her lover, had been taken because he...the ever popular,   
"Sir"...had screwed up. Period. End of discussion. Game over. World   
without end, amen.  
  
In a supreme act of faith and trust, she had asked him to take her   
place at the side of the man she loved and that man had vanished.   
Into thin air. Without a trace. Gone with the wind. Up in smoke.  
  
And when he had gone to confess his sin to her, instead of the hoped   
for curse or punishment, she had offered mercy and understanding.  
  
And he was left to search out his own personal hell and fill it with   
imps and fire and torment.  
  
And so rather than jogging five miles a day, he ran. Ten. Rather than   
sleeping four hours a night, he slept two. Or one. Rather than   
working ten hours a day, he worked fifteen. Or twenty, always   
searching.  
  
And every chance he got, he went in search of her, to see first-hand   
the sorrow in her sapphire eyes. To constantly remind himself that he   
alone was responsible for putting that pain in those eyes.  
  
And when she cried, he held her. Never allowing himself to feel   
pleasure at the feel of her delicate form in his strong arms, strong   
arms that had failed miserably.  
  
And when her tears wet his shirt and soaked through to the flesh of   
his chest, they ate through into his heart like acid. He reveled in   
the agony of it.   
  
After all, what was penance without suffering?  
  
And when he found himself unable to fully crush the surge of   
enjoyment her presence brought him, he ran faster and farther.   
He slept less, or not at all. He worked harder and longer, still   
searching; always searching.  
  
And it wasn't enough; could never be enough.  
  
And when she came to him in the clear, starry night, speaking of   
souls eternal, he calmed her fears and thrilled as her tears seared   
him once more.  
  
And it was then he began to suspect there might be no salvation. Some   
unknowable source, deep within him screamed out that the man was   
dead. He would never be able to reunite the man he loved like a   
brother and the woman he loved beyond all reason, and that would be   
his damnation.  
  
And then it happened. They found him. Scarred. Cold. Lifeless. Dead.  
  
And he followed her as she ran for the creature with the power to   
save them all, but too late. The being was gone; taken away in a   
blaze of light.  
  
And when she screamed out her denial and rage and agony, it sent   
shards of glass into his mind and heart and soul. Glass that even   
her caustic tears could not wash away.  
  
And when she came to him that night, crying and shaking and, in her   
grief and loneliness, begged him to fill her, he could not refuse   
her. He surged into her again and again until she cried out a dead   
man's name in her release.  
  
And when she came to him the next night and he could not send her   
away, he knew even Dante's hell held no circle vile enough for his   
transgressions.  
  
And again and again in the weeks and months that followed she arrived   
at his door with the same request. And he could never refuse her.  
  
And the first time his own name passed her lips in passion, he cried   
and begged her to go, but she could, and did, refuse him.  
  
And he pleaded with her to say away, but again, she refused him,   
asking him to hold her, touch her, heal her.  
  
And somewhere along the way, she began to heal him too.  
  
And when he realized what was happening he cried and tried to push   
her away, and still she refused him.  
  
And then it happened. Salvation. Absolution. Forgiveness.   
  
On the anniversary of the death of the man they had both loved, she   
redeemed him. With four words.  
  
I.  
  
Love.  
  
You.  
  
Walter.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
End. 


End file.
